Sunday, March 7, 2010

Urgent Fechtbucher Recall

This is an official recall of all chivalric “fechtbucher” and related or derived literature.

Following the example of the big auto companies, we feel this is the truly responsible thing to do in light of current dire circumstances.

Item #1: As clearly stated in the Latin of the first prologue, paragraph six of Master Fiore De Liberi’s Flos Duellatorum as translated by Hermes Michelini:

“Moreover, any nobleman who studies this work of ours should take great care for it as it were a treasure, so that it will not be divulged among the peasantry, which Heaven created dull and only for the use of heavy work, like animals of burden. Therefore, one must keep this precious and secret science away from them and bring it to Kings, Dukes, Princes, Barons and other noblemen entitled to dueling.”

Item #2: Additionally, as stated in Master Johannes Leichtenauer’s prologue, as poorly translated by Casper Bradak:

“Young man-at-arms learn to love God and honor women; so practice knightly skills: learn the Art that brings you honor in war; fight well unarmed; well-wield spear, sword, and falchion manfully; that in other’s hands is forbidden.”

Therefore, the DTSoD will be acting as the official collection agency for this recall. The wisdom of the Masters is revealed. These books have fallen out of an official capacity and into the hands of the unqualified, common and dull of wit for quite some time, resulting in numerous accidental injuries (both self-inflicted and inflicted upon other parties, largely consisting of bruises, breaks, cuts, slices, lacerations and perforations of the flesh). Such common, dull, forbidden and unqualified parties have also inflicted undue and libelous harm upon the Art itself, consisting of such things as:

The backwards-wearing of armour; hopping about in said harness; duck-walking; publishing of ridiculous interpretations of originally masterful works; undue contortions and postures with swords and claiming said contortions and postures as guards; dancing about on the tip-toes; striking like sissies; avoiding and ignoring any and all basis for skilled swordsmanship; excessive use of acronyms; use of padded wasters; claimants of mastery (in any language); the running of neo-pagan cults with claims to said Art; the running of profiteering organizations with claims to said Art; attempted monopolization of the Art or portions thereof or other claims of exclusivity; attempted claims and copyright claims to the Art and portions thereof; the publishing of erroneous materials related to the Art; claiming of an individual to “be” a given organization/acronym; etc. etc.

Thusly, all martial art related literature with origin between the years AD 1200 and 1600 shall thusly be destroyed (if worthless), donated to a museum (if antique), or mailed to the Dragons Tail School of Defense (if of personal interest or profitable to the parties Brandon P. Heslop and Benjamin “Casper” Bradak). Likewise, all stingy museums shall mail their antique martial works to the DTSoD, and incur all shipping charges and insurance.

Thank you for your cooperation.


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