Monday, November 9, 2009

The Rock-em Sock-em Robot Way to Fight, Going Left and Right


I've decided to punch like a rock-em sock-em robot, and here's why: Actually, we'll call this the "low-high-guard." But it's not only a guard, but how you strike from it. I once saw a guy, maybe two (or even more), in the fechtbucher standing this way. What was the context you may ask? Well, they were fighting of course!

Here's how you do it. Firstly, for the guard, get into your usual fighting stance. Next, make a fist with each hand and place each hand in front of and touching (or nearly touching) the nipple, each on its respective side. There. Now we have the "low high guard."

Now, this guard actually has several advantages over any previously used conventional guard that we've been misguidedly using for the last millennia or eight. For one, I've noticed that it protects the hands better than the old one. I mean, with people trying to hit you in the head, why would you put your hands in the way? They'll get hit! So put them in front of your chest. Now they're safe!

The second major advantage to this is the way that you strike from it. Simply put, it allows for "tighter punching." You see, you simply extend the fist directly from your nipple until it impacts upon the desired target.

Another thing I've noticed is that it's fast. It's easy to touch the other guy with it when I'm sparring. Much quicker than from the old way of holding a guard. I know you strike from Point of Origin with either guard, but from here, my fists are closer to the other guy, and I don't have to move my body. Make sense? I'm also reasonably sure that I could bloody my opponent's nose with one of these punches, or give him a fat lip or a charley horse. I'm sure he wouldn't like that. If he were a pansy, it would probably even end the fight if I hit him in the right spot. But either way, I use it when I'm sparring, and I can touch the other guy with it, and that's what counts, right?

Yet another advantage is that it telegraphs less. It's not that you move less from here, or that such corresponds to a lack of power or follow-through, etc. It's just that it's a better kind of punch for undisclosed reasons. And I can therefore touch the other guy easier when I'm sparring. You see, this way I really don't need to work on my form or use Master Silver's True Times because it's just so much quicker.

"Why would you build your basis of fighting upon a relaxed position and a sucker punch?" You may ask. Well, the answer is that it is neither. It is the basis for fighting with the fists; this is the way it was done! You can tell because I can hit the other guy easy, and it feels nice and quick.

"Why would you stand this way if that one punch you like so much is really the only one you can strike with from there without excessive motion?" You may ask. What're you talking about? Seriously, I can strike any way I want from there at least as well as the "old" way. I don't see what you're talking about.

"That's such a weak way of punching (not to mention fighting). Don't you think the "old" methods are not only just as fast, but strike much harder, with the option of still striking lightly?" You may ask. Well, I can punch at least as hard from here as I could from a "normal" guard.

"Then you never knew how to punch in the first place." What? How 'bout you let me punch you in the nose this way? See how you like it. Yeah, I thought not. Learned punching OJT, baby, and this is the hardest I've ever done it, so I know.

"Well it sucks because you can't really use combinations or follow-on attacks without reverting to the "old" way of striking after your initial punch, and you really have to go out of your way to throw any other kind of punch from there." Nuh-uh. I can so. I'd show you but we're on the internet.

"You're treating this pre-zufechten sucker punch and relaxed position as more than it is." No, it is the better way, don't you see? It's easier to hit the other guy with it and I can work the techniques from it.

"But it doesn't hit harder. It's weaker." No it's not. Like I said, I can hit just as hard from there. And so what if it doesn't hit as hard (which it does). Lacerating the opponent will probably end the fight too.

"But what about the masters admonitions to strike and fight with strength, which this obviously doesn't allow for?" Like I said, I can hit just as hard this way, and also at full reach. Of course I can hit with some strength with it. You see, I don't actually hit from here. I cock my fist back into a "normal" guard and then strike. Genius!

"I give up, you're a fucking devolving idiot." Fuck you. This is a hot topic in my community.

Allza Fudgin Kum Vum Ringen

Well, enough of that. I was thinking, since a certain master said the above, why shouldn't I use a longsword this way? After all, we already have an excellent foundation for it. Let's make another guard and call it "the T-Rex guard," or LVT for short. The correspondingly tighter, just as powerful cut we'll call "the T-Rex cut" after the similar looks and deadly prowess of that great dragon's clawed forearms of death. We can't really call it a zornhau anymore because it's a pansy wrist-cut. In fact, I'm changing my school's name to the T-Rex's Paws School of Defense.

Well, you know what, I could get into the technicalities of this (and I probably will), but let's just save some space, and if you have any questions about it, see the above and imagine there is a longsword in place of the fist. You get the idea.

-C

Copyright Nov. 2009, Casper Bradak

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